Joker's Wild
by Itami Konekoamai
Summary: A different take on Joker and Harley and what lies in Joker's mad little mind. MATURE FOR A REASON!
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

He paced the floor, his ever-present smile painting his pale face. He was leaving soon. Not legally, of course, but if he did anything _legal_ what would be the fun in that? Yes, soon, very soon. A guard walked up to his cell.

"Yo, Joker! Inspection time!" said the idiot. How dare he? Did he have any idea who he was speaking to? Yes, of course. _Everyone _knew. He made sure of that.

"Alright, alright, Jonesie-boy! Don't get your taser in a twist!" giggled the Joker. They went through the motions. Joker lifted his arms, spread his legs, and lifted his head as Jones patted him down. He was all clear, he usually was.

"'Kay, now get down to the mess hall." said the guard as he prodded the paler man's back. Joker grabbed it and got in his face.

"I'd watch where I point this thing if I were you. Its not wise to poke wild beasts with sticks, Jones." said the Joker with a menacing calm, his smile more malicious than humorous. Jones got instantly pale and apologized. _That's right, you little swine,_ thought the Joker, _pale before the Clown Prince of Crime!_ He laughed maniacally and strutted down to the cafeteria, then groaned when he realized who was on kitchen duty. The meat always tasted funny when the necrophilia treatment ward was on kitchen duty… he didn't want to know why. So he walked down the line, grabbed a less-than-appetizing-looking salad and sat down in his corner, _away_ from the other inmates. He threw the salad to the side and sipped the soda and retreated into his own thoughts, chuckling softly every so often. He didn't even notice the small woman that decided to sit across from him until she spoke.

"So what's so funny?" she asked. He jumped a bit and swallowed his soda wrong. He coughed and glared at her.

"Where the hell did you come from?!" he choked out, his smile temporarily replaced by a deep scowl.

"Jersey. Now what's so funny?" she leaned over and smiled, her bright blue eyes shimmering with curiosity and mischief. His first thought was _I'd love to rip those pretty blue crystals out and shove them in her smart little mouth…_ but he controlled himself.

"Just thinking of a funny poem I once read," his smile returned and he was suave as ever, "wanna hear it?" His voice dripped with condescending sarcasm.

"Sure!" She smiled sweetly. _Stupid little girl…_ he thought. A look of surprise crossed his face but he recited it.

"_I knew a girl_

_About the age of twenty-and-five_

_At least, she was,_

_When she was alive!_

_She was sweet_

_And ever so nice. _

_I have her here,_

_Would you like a slice?_

_Try her eyes_

_Blue as berries_

_With the taste of jam_

_And the shape of cherries._

_Try her brain_

_She's smart as can be._

_Try her chords_

_What a voice had she._

_But oh, the best part,_

_Leave it be!_

_I want her heart._

_All her love for me._

_For she did so flirt,_

_And she did so try!_

_And she succeeded_

_In catching my eye. _

_Too bad my kiss_

_Bade her goodbye."_

He finished the poem and, to his surprise, she laughed!

"She was flirting with disaster!" she said, still giggling. "That's funny, where did you find it?"

"Oh," he said, moving his hand in circles in the air, "somewhere in the internet, that is, before I got locked up _here_." Spat out the last part like it was venom.

"Well, mister Joker, if you're nice to me, we can get you out of here sooner!" she said cheerily.

"And just who are you?" he said, raising an eyebrow. He had forgotten to ask. He _never_ forgot anything, apart from his life before the acid bath.

"I'm Dr. Harleen Quintzel, and I'll be your new psychologist!" she said, pushing her golden hair behind her ear. He was stunned. This was the first time he looked at her intently. Her flirtatious blue eyes, her perfectly plucked eyebrows, her plump, ruby-red lips, and her long blond hair… they all made something inside him come to life. Something he is ashamed of. This was not good. He pushed these thoughts out of his mind and laughed hysterically.

"So they threw the damsel to the rabid hyena and hoped for the best eh?" he said after many deep breaths. "Ah, that was a good laugh… no seriously, girl, who are you?" She just stared and smiled, mocking him. He wanted to rip that smile apart.

"So, let's go to my office, shall we?" she stood up, her red shirt now fully visible and it was _tight_. As she turned, her gilded hair fell in wavy locks down her back and her black pencil skirt fit her perfectly. Joker looked anywhere but at her. _Why am I acting this way?! What am I… fourteen?!_ But his heart just jumped and so did something else and he hated it. He calmed himself and followed her. She stopped at the door.

"Ladies first." he said, condescendingly sweet with a sarcastic grin spread across his face. She walked in, sat down at her desk, and gestured to the seat across. Joker sat, laid back, put his hands behind his head, and crossed his legs, completely casual.

"So, care to tell me your _real_ name?" she smirked, "I know you won't tell me, but I gotta go through the motions, ya know?"

"John Doe." said the Joker, smiling. Harleen rolled her eyes and moved onto the next question.

"Date of birth?"

"April first, 1977"

"Ha ha." she said sarcastically. She looked at the sheet of paper with question after question of personal information. "Ah, fuck it!" she said loudly as she crumpled it and threw it into the trash bin.

The Joker faked shock. "A lady should never say such things!" he tsked.

"What? They were boring. What I wanna know is your favorite color. _That_ would be more interesting than the drabble on that page." she said, sitting back, relaxed.

"Hmm? You care?" he thought for a moment, "Purple. But green in a close second!" He grinned. "What about you?"

"Hmm… Red, Black, and Pink!" she said cheerfully. They chatted for about an hour, becoming friendly. Then a guard came to collect the inmate.

"Today was fun, Mista J!" she said. He raised an eyebrow. _'Mista J', eh? I kinda like it…_

"Same time tomorrow, _Harley?" He said, grinning playfully._

"Of course!" Then the guard took him away. Maybe he wouldn't break out so soon. She was interesting… hmm…

* * *

__**Author's Note:**

**Hi Everyone! If you're reading this, congratulations! You just read through the first chapter of my first _posted_ fan fiction! I've written them before, but I always thought they sucked, so I never posted them. Comments are much appreciated! ^^;**

**P.S. I'm not sure when I'll update this. Probably when i get another wild hair up my ass lol, anyway, I won't wait TOO long XD**

**~Ita-chan**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

As he walked back to his cell, he was getting increasingly annoyed. A _not so little problem_ had risen and he wanted nothing more than for it to _calm down._ Not only that, but the guard escorting him was being much less than appropriate.

"Daaaaamn, Joker! Did'ja see the ass on that one? Phew, she can handle my nightstick any day!" Laughed the guard. Oh what was his name? Markus? Mike? Morrey, that's it! Joker had had quite enough. He took Morrey's baton and pressed the guard against the wall with it, crushing it against his throat

"Keep your eyes in your head and your comments to yourself, pig. She's _my_ little therapist and I'll not have you try to molest her like you did the _last_ non-inmate woman that came through this funhouse." Whispered the Joker with such ferocity that wolves would have shied at the sound of it. He then kneed the other man in his gut and stomped back to his cell.

He proceeded to pace around the room until it was well past midnight. They had come and taken an unconscious Morrey to the Medical Treatment ward hours ago, probably so they could make sure Joker didn't leave behind any internal bleeding. He finally laid down on his prisoner's cot and rolled over. _I wonder what the Good Doctor would think if she saw that... she's probably home alone in her big comfy bed, sleepin' the night away!_ He thought. Then another, more disturbing thought (to him, at least) came to mind: why the hell was he wasting his brainpower on _her?! _She didn't deserve it. Granted, she was interesting. And there was no denying that she was beautiful... _Damn it!_ Thought the Joker, _Do. Not. Think. About. __**Her!**_

He lay there, wide-eyed and frustrated as hell, blue veins popping beneath his Ecru-colored skin. He felt something come to life in his pants (yet again, mind you) and covered his eyes with his hands, groaning in exasperation. Never had a woman had such an effect on him. He ate when he wanted. Slept when he wanted. Bathed when he wanted. Fucked when he wanted. But, now, here he was, completely at her mercy. His body surrendered to her azure eyes, her soft-yet-defiant face, her slim, pale neck, and, most noticeably, he begrudgingly admitted, her perfectly perky bosom. He hated these carnal needs. He was not a man, never thought of himself as one. He was in complete control of his needs. That is, until Mz. Harleen Quintzel.

_***(the next day)***_

Harleen strutted into the asylum and smiled at every passing inmate. She giggled whenever she noticed male eyes lingering on her. She had quite the surprise for her patient. She had chosen a tight white button-up shirt, a black/grey plaid miniskirt, and a red striped tie to cover her hourglass form and "fuck me" black stilettos for her dainty feet. Her blonde locks were held up in pigtails by red and black ribbons. She walked into her office, shrugged off her lab coat, and called Mr. Arkham.

"Hello, Mr. Arkham? Could you tell the guards to bring Joker to me at this time every day from now on? I would tell them, but they don't always look at my _eyes_, if you know what I mean..." said Harleen sweetly.

"Oh, yes, of course Mz. Quintzel. I'm sorry for their behavior, they aren't used to beautiful women that outrank them" he chuckled.

"Oh, flatterer! Well I'll call you if I get anything out of my patient, alright? Buh-bye!" She hung up and grinned. Only she could get away with treating her boss like that. _Ha! Boys will be boys!_ She thought. Now all that was left to do was wait for Arkham's most infamous inmate!

Poor Joker had not gotten any rest that night. He was trying to keep his mind occupied on something _other_ than his Psychologist. Yet he walked through the halls happy. Why? He devise a little plan to make Miss Harley _sick_ of him. _It's for the better_, he thought, _Besides, I'll be able to focus again!_ He laughed and smiled wider. He strolled towards her office and knocked on the door.

"Oh Harleeeey~! I'm hooooome!" he said in a sing-song voice. However, when she opened the door, his jaw dropped. _Damned little vixen! She _knows_ what she's doing, I'm sure!_

"Hey there, Mista J!" she chimed. She stepped in and gestured for him to do the same then closed the door in the guard's face. "How're you?"

"About ready to wring your neck..." he muttered. She tweaked an eyebrow.

"What was that?" she asked. The Joker looked up and glared at her.

"You heard me!" he growled. "You're doing this on _purpose!_ Putting yourself in display!" He was angry. At her and at himself. She provoked thinks in him. Carnal things.

"Doing what?" she asked playfully, sitting down across from him with that damned smile on her face.

She was _mocking_ him.

He was furious.

He back-handed her across the face. _Hard._

She fell to the floor and frowned, tears welling up in her eyes. She had a high tolerance for pain but damn did he hit hard! She quickly got up and took off her heels.

"I just wanted to show you something that wasn't the dismal padded walls, floors, and ceilings of this place." she said in a dangerous tone. She was angry. He was caught off guard by this. Someone so pixie-like and small could be so strong willed? _Who'da thunk?_

He was snapped out of his thoughts by a fist contacting the right side of his face. Then the left. Then the right again. She didn't hit too hard, but she was fast, and soon she had given him a few good bruises. He did, of course, fight back. He had no problems with hitting women. But she was so hard to hit! Soon she had knocked him in his chair and she stood triumphant.

He looked at her and smiled. And then he laughed.

"What the hell is so funny?" she huffed, lowering her fists. Her knuckles were pink and swollen.

"You! You come off as dainty and weak but DAMN are you a handful!" he said, laughing harder. She smiled and chuckled. Then laughed louder and harder until they were both gasping for breath. She leaned against her desk and smiled almost as wide as him.

"Truce?" she asked,

"For now."

* * *

**Author's note: Oh wow! I didn't think anyone would like this! Well here's the second chapter. Tell me if anyone seems too OOC ok? I'm SOOOO sorry it took so long for everyone who followed and asked for more. My laptop died (like the hard drive went to shit!) and I needed to get a new one. Please be kind and if you want to contact me, please feel free to find me on either Facebook or KIK Messenger. Both of these will be available on my Profile. Thank you so much for the support and please R&R!**

**Love, Itami**


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